3-5-21:  I’m not entirely above junky food every once in a while—never fast food, never pop, never buying chips—no, those are completely off the metaphorical and literal tables.  The chore of those decisions has been as gracefully and gratefully eliminated from my life as much as alcohol, and I will always be grateful for my unique ability to both do so.  Likewise, I’m not above the occasional trash TV or stupid B-movie, if for no other reason than to cement the stark relativity between high-quality entertainment (and food) that comprises the bulk of my life, and the stupid shit.  I choose entertainment on the basis of my ability to escape the stress of my life and, like great literature, to be reminded of human nature is all its most vile and noble forms.  And if God finds ways to communicate directly to me through it, all the better.

            Between the random movies at gym, lately including Creed II, Casino Royal, and Shutter Island, and the shows and movies I’ve been fortunate enough to fall into, such as Billions, Bliss, and Tell Me Your Secrets, I find both personal and divine inspiration, as well as a way to connect them to each other in ways most could not.

            Take for example Shutter Island, Bliss, and Tell Me Your Secrets.  Their plot lines all revolve around main characters either living outside of reality, constructing an alternative personalized reality, and/or subconsciously blocking out memories the brain must consider too painful to deal with in real time; themes I am excruciatingly familiar with.  My confidence during mania boarders on pure delusion, and acknowledging that fact while depressed further sucker-punches me when I’m already so far down.  I’ve already mentioned twenty-plus years of complete suppression of my sexual abuse which, had I been forced to confront before I was ready, could have ruined my life far worse than self-infected (without my conscious consent) abstinence.  But it wasn’t until the absolutely shocking conclusion of the first season of Secrets that the actions of the understandably shattered and morally questionable protagonist instantly called into question the degree to which the viewer—if put in her same situation—could imagine destroying the reputation and life of the actual victim (who had just recently saved her life) in order to save the reputation of her own family and herself by extension.   Rarely are we presented with a more dramatic and, in my opinion, easier decision to make.  But as difficult as it might be to admit your own faults and acknowledge the absolute certain guilt of someone so close to you in order to save an innocent stranger (made easier still since I don’t have children myself), I can’t imagine possessing so little courage to do the right thing, and to so absolutely condom another completely innocent person.  As I always say, “I know it’s just a well-written TV show,” but similar decisions are made my millions of real-life people, and how many of those decisions will damn those false witnesses straight to hell?  If not a literal “religious interpretation” of hell, at least a living hell on earth, if one still has any conscious left at all.

            But most impressive of all is Billions.  Two main characters, neither an obvious villain or hero, both believe they are right and noble in their actions, both with multiple opportunities to be immoral yet still take the higher ground.  But by employing a stubborn “scorched earth” mentality against each other, even if one of them ultimately prevails, they will both end up losing.  No matter how much I may generally loath billionaire money manipulators who make billions without making anything or doing any real good, he loves Metallica, won’t cheat on his wife, and is a great father.  (And he’s not a racist or bigot so, he’s basically still one of the best business people to be found.)  And no matter how much I want to root for the DA who had dedicated every fiber of his being to taking this guy down by any means necessary, I hate how he is destroying his own marriage and, just recently his entire inheritance of 27 million dollars (not 25, not 30, but specifically, of all possible numbers, 27 million dollars) to do so. 

            The show is riveting; with incredibly interesting characters doing brilliant things that us commoners can only assume their real-life counterparts are actually doing a version of every day, as they increase their already obscene wealth at the expense of everyone else.  (No, I understand how the economic pie itself gets larger, but there is a difference between running a company that makes something, verses making money off those companies and not making any real positive difference in the world, especially since they are cheating, which does directly take money away from the rest of us.)  But this evening, as I was eating myself into physical pain and ill-health to feed the last addiction I have access to, the billionaire went too far, and I took it personally.  He not only directly sabotaged a company for a personal vendetta, it was a health food company. 

            Most people probably either decided to love or hate him before then, but few made up their minds because of that single action.  Because if it were a fast-food company, I would have thought they would have gotten what they deserved, since they are hurting people.  But this was the type of company that I would have invested in or, to take it a step further, actually founded, in a more idealized version of my life.  And I know it’s just a show, but I was reminded of how this kind of heartless wicked shit really does go on between billionaires, who care so little about the world or the middle- and lower-class ants who they crush underfoot as thoughtlessly as we might crush actual ants, it pissed me off more than it should have.  And it got me thinking about a few things that, if I don’t immediately list them in list form, I may never take that “sanity-restoring” evening walk.

1. I can be more grateful now with (by middle class American standards) nothing, then I was with everything, because anyone can be happy with everything.
2. Everything is relative, everything can be lost and, eventually, everything you hold most dear will be lost.  (You can’t take it with you, just your soul.  And how many people actively invest in that?)
3. If you can be happy with little, you have more power than those who feel they need everything.
4. As wonderful as it feels to have nice things, everything gets old and boring; everything!
5. If I can think this optimistically while I am depressed, I can imagine how freaking amazing I’ll feel once the depression has finally lifted.  And I know it will lift!
6. On a more personal and immediate note: if I abuse myself with food like I did today, I don’t get dinner.  And I must commit myself to that decision absolutely!  Today will be my test.  Because one can eliminate booze and fast food, but food itself can be a bit trickier.
7. As long as I continue my daily Zen Bible Study, prayer and meditation, and as many other positive habits I can squeeze in to my otherwise unproductive days struggling through depression, I will never again sink as low as I was in 2018.  Never again!